Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
