Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
