haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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