I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
we're so committed to being not committed
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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