Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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