no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
