Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
