I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Come on in and take your pants off
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
