I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
