Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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