Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
