I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
