I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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