I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
