btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
