If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
