No stitches, just platelets and will power
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
