She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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