Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
