my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
