I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
