I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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