You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
