they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
