Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
