Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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