it hurts more in the daytime
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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