Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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