I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Randomize
