I need to stop coming to work sober
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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