It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
