1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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