just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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