mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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