how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
