I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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