If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
