i just wanna soil my oats bro
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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