wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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