Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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