how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Your cock deserves a montage
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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