easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
