Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
