Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
