So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
