She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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