How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
