I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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