Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize