My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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