Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
