well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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