Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
