chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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