yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
