if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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