I'm lost and stupid without you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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