My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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