She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
